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A good friend once told me that we are our memory.Without it, we equal nothing.
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[30 Apr 2005|12:19pm]
New Journal. _static_ashes
|Just effects the ones around me.

[09 Jan 2005|09:36pm]
[ mood | acid Trip ]

Someone comment.

Say anything. I need to know if my LJ is worth updating

{4} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[09 Jan 2005|02:49pm]
Christmas was always a very awkward holiday for me. What makes it even more awkward is opening a whole mess of presents I could never deserve. If opening presents is awkward, it’s not very hard to push that to anxiety, an anxiety towards the awkwardness of opening presents I shouldn’t have received in the first place. When it comes down to it, I don’t think it’s worth it to even go through with the process if all it leaves me with is fear and doubt, and an obsession with material goods.
I don’t deserve the presents, so therefore how could I possibly enjoy them? And I’m not sure how they even want me to feel about them, so I wait for their signals, hidden gestures, and play the part that is expected. This past Christmas, I opened my brand new silver sleek iPod. I am aware this was quite a hot item on the list of the most popular Christmas gifts of 04’. It was shiny and lustrous, and made me feel great just to hold it and feel the cool metal against my palm. It was beloved in that moment and time because it was bought to make me feel that way. It was too easy to simply cast it on my desk next to my other iPods that had been bought for the same reasons. When I think of Christmas gifts, I think of how I should feel. Each present is expected to make me feel different; it all depends on my parents, their anticipation. A simple pair of socks could make me feel like I’ve received a practical gift and I should appreciate it as a gift and yet a necessity. That same pair of socks could make me feel like I was so desperately lucky to be that fortunate to even receive a lush pair of new socks. It’s an equation. Their look, the tension, their explanation, it all adds up. The raw situational data manifests itself in the anxiety of the moment, the fear in the seconds before opening it and your expected approval after the brand new article rests firmly on your palm. I have the feeling like a sci-fi character who went inside a math equation, and whose life depends upon solving it. I guess they’re just trying to give us what we can’t generate on our own.
One year my Father purchased a shimmering piece of jewelry for my mother’s Christmas present. It was such a landmark revolutionary action to purchase a stone from the earth, that cost more then he could hope to afford, and give it away. It was so intense that I was excited for her. The weeks culminated, and finally it was the 25th. She ripped off the paper surrounding the tiny velvet box, and then shot my father with the most horrible look of contempt that any human could ever generate. I didn’t understand. Why didn’t the shiny stone make her feel happy? I know he paid for it with the last of his money, and I know she wanted it. This went on year after year; I was only a kid. At that point, I copied everything my parents ever did, and frankly this stumped me. Why did she get so upset? I don’t think I ever want to know. I never want to become that enraged when someone buys me a gift I can’t afford or even deserve. When a present is purchased, someone’s heart and soul should have gone into not only paying for the present, but also delicately wrapping it. When all the intricate little bows are left in shreds on the floor, you would expect a just and appropriate reaction, a satisfaction. I’ve realized over time the basic function of presents: when you pay for a present, you’re paying for the gratification of both the receiver and the giver. I never found out why my mom was so infuriated, and I never really wanted to know completely.
Christmas presents aren’t meant to be means to a selfish end, but now even “spreading joy” has come to an ultimate selfish consequence. Christmas shouldn’t be time to do your own hidden experiment, attempting to extract joy from a joyless situation. When I give a present, I feel like a piece of something in me is going into it, and I have countless pieces to give away. I wrap the paper mathematically, and proudly sign my name on the plastic gift card stuck to the side. I hardly ever think about how it should feel to the receiver to waste my almost foolishly expendable effort by ripping it appart. A present is a token of love and gratitude extended to a friend. The presents should be a simple representation how you feel on the inside.
|Just effects the ones around me.

[04 Jan 2005|02:19pm]
By the way it was my birthday a week ago. Now i can legally use livejournal.

As though thats my biggest problem.
|Just effects the ones around me.

Wasnt it just a Jet Black New Year anyway? [01 Jan 2005|02:01pm]
<center>Don't even take a breath
The air is cut with cyanide
In honor of the New Year

The press gives us cause to celebrate
The air raid sirens
Flood barbed wire skylines
With artificial night,
As we sleep to burn the red
From our bloodless eyes.
Tonight we're all time bombs on fault lines

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
The sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
At New Year's Eve parties
As we kiss hard on the lips
And swear this year
Will be better then the last
Jet Black - the ink that spells your name
Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins
Jet Black
We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?"

There's music playing
Though we dance to the beat
Of our own black hearts
And draw diagrams
Of suicide on each other's wrists
Then trace them with razorblades

Fire to flames
"Strike Match."

Burn these words from our lips
As 'The Dagger' screams
"Love is dead"
and it's a "newspaper tragedy,"

Have we lost what we love?
Have we said everything?
Does it change anything?
Stare at the clock
Avoid at all costs,
This emptiness.

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
the sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
at New Year's Eve parties
As we kiss hard on the lips
and swear this year
will be better then the last

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
The sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
at New Year's Eve parties
So we kiss hard on the lips
and we swear that this year… this year

Ten seconds left until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye
eight faces turned away from the shock
seven windows and
six of them were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
now there are two of us
can we have one last dance?

Jet Black - the ink that spells your name
Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins
Jet Black
We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?"
|Just effects the ones around me.

[01 Jan 2005|01:47pm]
So, New Years was awesome. Among all the St. Pauli Girls beer, Grey Goose vodka, and Camel Filtereds ciggerettes, we still only had enough for four. In actuality, we had enough for the army, but four wqas a good number.

There was pot in the distance, but i didnt smoke.

Oh, and I got a digital camera. So in a few days when i gert back to NEW YORK ill post the pictures.

See ya.
|Just effects the ones around me.

The equation of life [16 Dec 2004|04:34pm]
Life is so fucked up sometimes

Sometimes i question everything. Like why, whenever your happy, do you get put down by some stronger force. I dont mean happy Woot happy. I mean so happy, for the first time in a long time, youve felt like things are finally going up, because theyve just hit Bikini Bottom. Why, does each positive follow a bigger negative. A + -One billion=My Life.

Everytime you stumble upon a positive, you get blown away by an even bigger negative said someone in school. Its like you get an A in math only to go to social studies and find out you got an F. Like getting an IPod and finding out your crappy less than average priced computer cant support it. Or to get fifty dollars for your birthday and to lose it the next day.

Or befriending someone who understands your problems, and you understand theirs. In a sense. Only to be told by their abusive ex-boyfriend, who can definatly fuck me up, that hes going to 'kick my ass' and 'beat the shit out of you' So what do i do.

When i asked him about this i said 'Is it because you think i Like her?'
'So why is it'
'CLITman get the FUCK away from me before i fucking kick your ass'
Manners manners Anthony.

I think theres a few reasons why he wantsa to fight me. One, im friends with her, and hes jealous. Two, because im not scared of him. And three,...I havent thought of a third reason yet.
So LJ friends, please post what you would do in this situation
{3} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[12 Dec 2004|09:42pm]
Alex has made a lot of bad choices in his life. Considering hes 12 and has done coke, he made a LOT of bad choices in his life. On Friday, Alex made a very bad choice, to abandon his friends and join a team he calls, the preps.

Isn't it funny how somone who isnt even a close friend, has such a big effect on the way you look at an issue?

KrazymAK47: im saying dont ever become what u hate
KrazymAK47: look at what the prep kids have done in the past to your friends
KrazymAK47: and you
KrazymAK47: i dunno how they treat you
KrazymAK47: in fact i dunno how they treat your friends
KrazymAK47: but they treat me and my friends like shit

KrazymAK47: but just keep in mind that
KrazymAK47: even if i dont know u well
KrazymAK47: i have your back

I think im going to think about the choices im going to make, and the choices ive made.

Ben Tallman told me in 9 ims what a psychatrist would have told me after days of therapy.
{2} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[12 Dec 2004|12:31pm]
[ mood | The sight of ]

My life has finally hit rock bottom.

I still havent asked my parents about a shrink, and the more i think about it, the less i like the idea. I'm not even updating about anything anymore. Im just updating as reassurance to myself i'm still alive. If i can still type, to me, I'm alive.

Im not sure how much longer im going to live.

Im going to find the biggest knife i can and slowly decapitate **** *********

|Just effects the ones around me.

[10 Dec 2004|11:48pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Ready for a fucking long one? Dont bother reading. Its for me, not you.
I think im going to go to my parents and insist that they send me to a psychatrist before i murder them in their sleep. I think im going insane. Im losing touch with reality. Its like a mirror thats shattered, you can see what it once was, but it can never be like that again.
Billys death hit me as though someone punched me in the face. Its not that I knew him so much, or that I cared abut him like a brother, but im just saying that it taught me something about life. Its so fragile. You shouldnt fucking go prancing about, trying to get cancer, trying to get coke, trying to get arrsted, so then a week later a story comes out in newsday about you crashing into a fucking patch of trees. I hope billy has an incredible afterlife, and i know hes watching after us, just like when he kicked us out of Starbucks.
Speaking of Billy, I need to talk about ed and nicole. Or even more importantly, Ed. Hes so fucking fake. Hes and asshole to me and disregards the fact that im a human being, and when he gets his fucking coke, He treats me like king of egypt. Then he turns around and makes my life miserable. I need to get away from him.
I need to get away from town. It fucking sickens me. Ive finally realized who to blame for my life. Everyone who goes to fucking town. Honestly, I wante every townie to read this. I FUCKING HATE YOU! Its so gross. Up untill tonight Jake was my best friend, and I was always trying to make him happy. On multiple accounts I tried to fucking show him his girlfriend was cheating on him, and one time we caught her in the act of it, then talks to her for five minutes, calls me a minute laster and calls me a manipulater, fuckhead, and that I want his dirty skany SLUTBAG girlfriend all to myself. SARAH REICHETER YOU ARE A SLUTBAG! YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHO YOUR FUCKING ANYMORE! GO BE A PROSTITE IN SOME OTHER TOWN!
And about Sarah, she and her little fuckface preppy ass drama queen friends need to BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING TOWN! There so stupid. You know what its like? Image the owner of Abercrombie joining Black Sabbath. Ex-fucking-actly. Take your fucking abercombie and go cry to someone about ur fucking boyfriend problems that isnt in my group of friends.
But what am i talking about? They can stay in town. Want to know why? IM LEAVING!!! I am never going to that slutbag piece of shit crap hole town again. Starting now, me and John r chilling. I hate huntington.
And one thing i seriously need to apoligize for, to myself more than others, is judging the preppy kids. I thought they were all retadred. Some of them are fucking brilliant minds, who I can almost relate to at times. Others are hilarious, and hanging out with them during lunch is fun, and i can just be myself and talk about anything with them, whter it be girls, cars, whatever. And you know what the best part is????
Things are looking up. A few of them invited me to the movies a few days ago.

{3} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[22 Nov 2004|10:14am]
[ mood | Throw uppy ]

Last night was awesome. At 7:59 i ran out of the hotel, begging to god the bus, and pam, hadnt left. See, we made plans to go to the outskirts of miami, pick up our friend on the bus, and get back home in time to get drunk. Well, I made it to the bus stop a minute before the bus came, and we got on, paying 1 dollar to get on. Me and Pam hooked up on the buys and everyone was like staring. It was hilarious. Then we picked up Alec and Melana, however you spell her name. We got back to the hotel about 2 hours after we left, and got my parents bottle of Malibu Coconut rum. There is about half a shot left in the once full bottle.

I'm never drinking again. My head hurts like fucking shit. And i have like 3 scars on my hand. Its really strange. Im going to go take a shower, and then swim.

Hasta Luego

{11} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[21 Nov 2004|11:04am]
[ mood | giddy ]

I <3 Florida. Fuck New York.

Upon waking up I went to the lobby to get myself an incrdible breakeast of pancakes.
Then, I met up with Pam, who walked with me along the beach. We just talked about random things for a while, and finally about the rest of the day. Upon arriving back at the building, we met us with Russ, her brother. They had to eat breakfast so I went off by myself to see if i could find any long lost friends i made during my 3 something years here.

I did find friends. Or, rather, enemies. When Jeff came to florida we met a bunch of good looking girls, and stuff happened between us and them. I wont say what. But by the end of the night, me and jeff were shooting condoms at their balocny, 1 story down and to the left. I havent seen thenm since. Well, we put those feelings behind us and hung out. Then i left. Here i am, updating.
And i got ciggerettes. I waited last night until everyone went down to dinner, and snuck inside, pretneding to look for Q-Tips. I had 2 delicous ciggerettes, and thenb made myself a turkey sandwich, passed out, and was awoken by ed half an hour later.

I <3 Florida

|Just effects the ones around me.

[20 Nov 2004|02:34pm]
[ mood | blahgahaba ]

I need cigerettes. Ive already devised a brilliant plan in my head. Ill tell my parents that there is a sale at the mall across the street. If i know my parents, they wont want me to go, because ill force them to by me stuff. And they dont want that. But before i tell them about the 'sale' i will unlock their balocny door. They will run away to the mall, I will slip inside, grab a bunch of Virgina Slim ciggerettes and smoke them.

Unless I see pam in the next 2 hours. Then we can just smoke in her room. Im gonna go look for her.

I dont know why but it seems like ALL russian people stick together.

|Just effects the ones around me.

[20 Nov 2004|02:25pm]
Im in florida. This is very very cool. the florida group is here. Including Pam. I think this is going to be a very fun trip.
{4} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[17 Nov 2004|05:29pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Life became dull without having thirtysomethingodd people to tell it to. So i undelted my live journal. Im in such a good mood now.

Life has been fun, and ive stopped being so emo. Im currently trying to set up my friend carrysa, and christian, aka psycho. Ive talked about him before.

However, i dont know why im setting them up. Love is such a pathetic emotion/feeling. Whenever you go out with someone, you, somwehre in the depths of your head, decide you love them. And unless its you dumping the person, you feel cheated, like you lost a game of monopoly even though all the money in the bank belonged to you.

Anyway, i hope this works out. Caryssa is a nice person. Shes so perky, sometimes annoying. Or maybe its just me. Maybe i can find someone for her friend Christina.

That just leaves me.

In other news, i took out the earing they gave me and put in a sexxxy one. Today has been a very good day.

{2} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[08 Nov 2004|04:41pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Jason invited me to another concert. Something faith. Are they any good?

Im too stressed out right now. I have piling homework, the biggest spanish quiz ever, and what am i doing? Deciding whether or not to take a bath. Yes a bath. No, im not gay, but its the closest thing to a jacuzzi, and my tub has jets that feel like someones shooting you with a paintball gun.

I'm probably going to take that bath. But first ill make a cd. Ill bring my stereo into the bathroom. Hopefully a wire will fall in the world and ill die. Hopefully. By the way, for anyone who wants to go to the school guidancer counserler and tell them about this, its not a suicide attempt, just a hope.

|Just effects the ones around me.

[06 Nov 2004|02:11pm]
I'm in the mac store. My lie is so pathetic im reduced to listenening to the 30 second previews that ITunes gives you
|Just effects the ones around me.

The United Hacki Sack Of America [05 Nov 2004|03:37pm]
Seventh Period. Some know it as math. Some know it as science. I know it as lunch.

Every seventh period, a competition is played. At the begging of the period, we stand on line, get out pathetic bouncing chicken fingers or our four day old cheesy bread, eat and talk with out friends. However, about ten minutes in, something happens. Ten kids stand up, almost simultaneously. These kids are as different as can be. Some are preps, some are emo, some are wiggers. However, To these kids, it doesnt matter. These kids have one intention, and only one. To play hacki sack. Sure this may seem like a joke, but to these kids, it important.

Me, John, Anthony, Casey, Morgan, Christian, Morgan, Sudz, and Kendall. To be in this group, you must challenge one of the members, and beat them in a 'hack on'.

Thats my seventh period.
|Just effects the ones around me.

You were the last good thing about this part of town [04 Nov 2004|03:13pm]
I've tried to update almost a thousand times over the week, including during tech class, on a palm pilot, and much more. But it hasnt been happening.

Anyway, theres a Thursday conert in New Jersey, an hour and a half away. Their opener is Boys Night Out. I must go.

See ya.
{5} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

[30 Oct 2004|02:29pm]
Last night was such a blur

According to Sean, this is what happened.

01)I Hooked up with a not bad looking girl
02)I later got into a fight with her boyfriend
03)I got hit by a car
04)I was ready to single handed fight each one of the preppy kids in my grade.
05)I smoked 3 packs of ciggerettes
06)I ate 13 dollars of candy with my friends
07)I found a 50 bag on the floor which all my friend smoked. Fuck not doing drugs.
08)I threathed a skinhead on the phone
09)I fell asleep outside the super market
10)I awoke 30 minutes later to find Pam and Cara fist fighting spitting at eachother
11)I asked every person in the area what the hell was going on
12)I wanted to be killed by every person in the area
13)I told Danielle I hated her
14)I met like 20 kids
15)I bought Pepperoni rolls for everyone of my friends
{4} Nothing hurts my world. |Just effects the ones around me.

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